OVERCOMING THE NEED TO MANIPULATE

Nekaj kar bi vas utegnilo zanimati.

As a child, you neither knew nor cared about what was going on in the world around you. Your only concern was your own welfare. Helplessness made you dependent on what others would give and do for you. Your greatest happiness was being fed, held and fondled. Your main concern was to get as much attention as possible.

You quickly discovered that, if you started to cry, you could summon an adult to take care of your needs.

Even if you just got bored, you could start crying and someone would usually appear to comfort you. Smiling, too, worked exceptionally well. So you soon learned to smile when you were picked up and cry when you were put down. This simple exercise in manipulation set the pace for the rest of your life. Your entire childhood was spent developing skills that would make a good impression on others and influence them to pay attention to you. Thus, even at this early point in your life, you were programming yourself to depend on other people’s approval and to feel rejected when others disapproved. As a child, behavior like this was excusable, but, as an adult, it is selfdefeating.If you are still trying to manipulate others to do that which are sufficiently capable of doing yourself, you cannot consider yourself emotionally mature.

A growing habit in our culture is to do more and more for children and expect less and less. Parents guilty of this are unwittingly cheating their offspring by allowing them to be dependent for things they should be doing for themselves. By spending their first eighteen years leaning and depending on others, children are cast in the role of prisoners with good behavior privileges. It is interesting to note that this is a human phenomenon. Shortly after birth, all other species of animal push their young out into the world where they soon learn independence. The greatest gift any parent can give their children is to help them to become self-confident by making them self-reliant. Children should be given as much responsibility as they can handle at any age level. Only through independence will they learn the joy and privilege and human dignity of standing on their own two feet.

It is a basic responsibility of parents to assist children in making a smooth transition from dependency to self-reliance. Children should be allowed to make and learn from their mistakes. If not, it is a small wonder that, later life, when they must do something on their own, the say, I can’t do it!” Unless they are sure of the outcome, they refuse to attempt anything because over-protective parents have always cushioned the way. Every time you do something that someone is sufficiently capable of doing for himself or herself, you are literally stealing from that person. The more you care for someone, the more alert you must be to see that you are not depriving them of the opportunity to think and do for themselves, whatever the physical or emotional consequences. This is true not only in parent-child relationships, but in marriage, family and all interpersonal relationships as well. We cannot live other people’s lives or bear their burdens, no matter how much we love them. The umbilical cord should be cut when children reach their early teens. I believe that they should be required to find their own living quarters no later than the age of eighteen or upon completing high school.

Many parents will rebel against this idea with what, to them, seems to be logical reasons. But the fact still remains that nothing builds more selfreliance in a young adult than having to live alone. It is interesting that almost without exception, the people who have achieved outstanding success in all fields of endeavor, including business, government, arts and sciences, are people who either were separated from their parents through hardship, or decided to emancipate themselves in their young adult years. We hear such excuses as; “We want to help them through school.” “It will help them financially to live at home.” “It’s just until they get going.” “They can’t possibly afford their own place and go to school” - and so on. On the surface it may seem like the parent is doing this for the child, but usually the motivation is to satisfy his or her own need. Parents who accept and cultivate this attitude only delay and make more difficult the ultimate day of decision when their children must face the adult world on their own. Through the mistaken use of parental love, they have encouraged their offspring to continue to lean, depend and expect to receive help and support from others as if they were still small children. Now, let’s get our perspective here. We are not saying that you should not help or give to your child, mate or family. What we are saying is that you must allow them the individual freedom to do what they feel they must do in order to grow and develop. Assisting them is where the giving comes in. Give them love, encouragement and recognition for their accomplishments. These are the vital elements of growth that they cannot supply for themselves. Even financial assistance should be considered carefully. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help the child financially, but financial assistance should be offered with a provision for its ultimate repayment.

Individuals who have not developed self-reliance have no alternative but to use manipulation to get what they want. If you are not self-reliant, you have to depend on your skill at influencing people to serve you and fulfill your needs. If you do use others as a vehicle to get through life, you cannot possibly go faster or further than you can convince them to take you. If you are a parent, always be aware of any actions that will cause your child to remain in bondage because he or she will pay dearly for later in life.

From the book THE ULTIMATE SECRETS OF TOTAL SELF- CONFIDENCE
Chapter: OVERCOMING THE NEED TO MANIPULATE